Thursday, April 16, 2015

Some books boggle the mind

I can't recall if I've mentioned or not, but I'm on a street team for a group of authors called the Brit Babes and we have a Facebook group where the street team and authors congregate, chat, share reviews, book recommendations, etc.

A little while ago we got to chatting after a lady in the group posted a link to a book with a particularly funny title that sparked off a rather bizarre conversation. The conversation is so bizarre that I thought I would share it on the blog. I don't think any of the ladies in the group would mind and do bear in mind that this is meant to be a fun post and very tongue in cheek. DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!

The first book that was shared was so out there that I almost choked on my coffee when I saw the title and the cover. I mean, seriously, who comes up with this stuff?

Pounded by the Gay Unicorn Football Squad by Chuck Tingle
Aaron Duncan didn’t know that he would grow up to make history, but as the first openly human player in the Unicorn Football League, that’s exactly what he did. Thanks to the support of his unicorn teammates, Aaron exits the closet and finds himself swept away in a gay romance that only the tightest football squads could truly understand.
Now, there’s a meeting in the locker room, and Aaron’s about to teach these unicorns what it means to be human… In a gay interspecies gangbang!
This erotic tale is 4,100 words of sizzling human on gay unicorn action, including anal, blowjobs, rough sex, gangbangs, double penetration, cream pies and unicorn football love.
For starters the title is just bizarre and the purple unicorn on the cover is beyond comprehension. I was wondering if they were shapeshifting unicorns (I have not read the book!) and if they would look like this while shifting.

And I learned a new word because of it. "Brony" which means (according to Urban Dictionary) "a name typically given to the male viewers/fans (whether they are straight, gay, bisexual, etc.) of the My Little Pony show or franchise. They typically do not give in to the hype that males aren't allowed to enjoy things that may be intended for females."

To be honest, I'm a little afraid to read the book and at $2.99 for 15 pages (you can't really call it a book at 15 pages!), I seriously don't think I'm going to spend my money on it. I think I'm just going to continue to wonder what it's like. Of course, at this point, there are no reviews to speak of, so I can't even gauge the book's worthiness from that.

But then we moved on to hedgehogs. Yes, hedgehogs, but werehedgehogs to be exact, because if you can shapeshift, you'd want to be able to shapeshift into anything right and hedgehogs are right up there on the list. Yes, I can just see it now, a big, brawny alpha male shapeshifting into a teeny, tiny, cutesy little hedgehog. Or perhaps he'd look like this.

But enough chatter, on to the book.

Hedging His Bets by Celia Kyle and Mina Carter
Honey loves running her bar and grill, catering to humans and shifters alike. But there are two things that dim her love of the place: cocky assholes who think they own the world, and cocky assholes who think they can flex their muscles and wreck her bar when throwing a temper tantrum. Unfortunately, the drop-dead gorgeous, hotter than hot, shifter man she secretly loves is both.
Blake wants the curvaceous, gorgeous Honey in his bed. Now. He’s lusted (but not loved, let’s get that straight) after the luscious woman for months. True, he looks like a bad-boy biker mixed with a player and, yeah, he’s broken a few things in her bar… But only because the guys were hitting on his girl. With no hope of winning her over in sight, he does what any red-blooded werehedgehog would do in his position. He lies.
To be honest, I might actually give this book a shot because it is written by an author that I really enjoy. Mina Carter's a great writer and her books are actually fun to read. I haven't read Celia Kyle though, so I don't know how this collaboration is going to work. My problem with this one is just visualizing a werehedgehog. Do you shapeshift into a huge human sized hedgehog with killer spikes or do you end up through some miracle of physics end up being a teeny, tiny, cutesy hedgehog or something in between? One of the ladies commented "Half man half hedgehog anyone? She doesn't look too happy... probably concerned about all those pricks!" LOL. She was the one who posted the picture above. :-)

But then we moved on to sharks, because, you know ... predators of the sea and all that. Big and scary things, that they are.

Touching Paradise by Cleo Pietsche
Despite his billions in the bank, Koenraad is a shark shapeshifter haunted by secrets and regrets. Unable to move on with his life, he relentlessly patrols the waters near the island he once considered home. Fate puts the beautiful Monroe in his path, and duty demands he offer his services, but one look into her eyes and he knows the lonely, frightened woman secretly yearns for adventure.
Monroe is having a hard time getting into the vacation spirit. She's surrounded by powdery white sand and swaying palm trees, but she's terrified of the ocean. When her tour boat breaks down at sea, she's thrilled to skip the so-called trip of a lifetime. However, a gorgeous man with a sleek yacht is determined to change her mind... and maybe her life.
Contains explicit sexual content and graphic language that may be objectionable to some readers. Includes sexual dominance and submission and very mild BDSM elements. For adults only.
I have to admit that while the shark is a predator and hence, could be very alpha male, I struggle with the limitations of a shark. You're pretty much stuck in the water when you shapeshift and then you have to stay close to land to shift back to a man, which limits the range and distance that you can go. I can see how the author of this book is working through that with having him just patrolling the waters around an island. You can't go far when you're doing that. Unlike the unicorn book, I think I'm curious enough about a shark shapeshifter that my curiosity might propel me to give this book a shot. Plus, it's a short book (all of these seem to be, perhaps for lack of enough material for a decent plot?) so it will be easy to get through. I might surprise myself and enjoy it or hate it. It's a toss up, really.

Of course, speaking of predators we then moved on to dinosaurs, a T-rex in particular which is the king of predatory dinosaurs, right?

Taken by the T-Rex by Christie Sims
Drin is her tribe’s chief huntress; she lives for the thrill of the hunt. Men and sex hold no allure for her, as Drin has never found a partner to satisfy her. When a T-Rex descends upon her village, destroying it, Drin demands that the tribe’s hunters go in search of the beast and slaughter it. Opting for safety instead of revenge, the tribe moves to a new location, hoping that the big beast won’t follow them.
It does.
Drin taunts the beast, giving her tribes mates time to flee. As she runs, leading it through a gauntlet of traps, the thrill of the hunt soars through her blood, leaving her wet with desire. When the angry T-Rex corners the huntress in a box canyon, it seems more interested in her wet womanhood than in her flesh. 

Uh, seriously? A T-Rex and a woman? How is that even physically possible? And I'm not game enough to find out, but some of the reviews for this book are hilarious and rather enlightening.

I'm certain this one was intended to be read with a great deal of sarcasm. "It is very uncommon to find accurate depictions of dinosaur on woman sex. If, like me, you have found it increasingly difficult to satisfy your need to recount old times, then this literary masterpiece is for you. No other author has truly been able to both arouse and entice my intense desire to mate with a T-Rex as accurately and successfully as Christie Sims. I would not be surprised if this book outsells the Bible and brings about a new age of literary enlightenment."

And this one "Really, $2.99 for seventeen pages this is a steal. Before reading Taken by the T-Rex I never knew that a person could write giant lizard not ironically at least thirty times in seventeen pages. This isn't your mother's beast porn. Not that my mother reads beast porn, mind you, in fact she was clutching her pearls when I told her about Taken by the T-Rex.
What I loved most about this story, besides the beast sex and the grammar, was the strong female heroine. She was second only to one man in hunters in her tribe. Let's not forget though that the dinosaur (who is an adolescent by the way, baby beast porn ftw!) killed over half of her clan.
You thought The Clan of the Cave Bear (Earth's Children, Book One) was hot? You were wrong. You haven't seen hot until a baby dinosaur with a two-foot penis oozes pints of clear liquids all over a strong hunter heroine.
I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but number one hunting dude gets eaten, but our heroine doesn't care because she's just had her first orgasm and needs a half day rest. Do not miss this hot title"
Incidentally, the price of this book has dropped to 99c.

After odd animal shifters and dinosaurs (although someone did suggest a wereslug but I couldn't find any books featuring one to titillate you with) let's move onto a mystery penis, shall we? And no, I'm posting a picture of a penis. My mother reads my blogs! But I will give you a hunky dude. I would have given you a naked hunky dude, but Blogger has a thing against explicit images. :-(

Now this next one, I confess, I've read. I'm rather embarrassed about that really but it was free and it was 3 years ago early in the days of my book group and it was one of the first free books we got. The title got me curious. I didn't even remember the ending until a girlfriend of mine reminded me what happened.

The Princess and the Penis by R J Silver
A beautiful, chaste, and completely naive princess encounters a strange lump in her mattress. The lump soon morphs into a shape familiar to everyone but her, triggering her curiosity and her father's greatest fears. He frantically tries to intervene, but having a large phantom phallus in a curious maiden's bed is never a good combination.
It's really a rather simplistic story and there's not much to elaborate on. Sort of a rather naughty, slightly tongue in cheek take on The Princess and the Pea. It was simply written and it came to a rather funny ending which I won't spoil for you but you can read here is you want to click on the spoiler button.

She kisses the penis and it turns into a prince. They marry and live happily ever after. :-p

As to the reviews, they are rather fun too. :-) With some people loving it "This story is downright hysterical on one level, but can make you think on many more levels if you ponder afterwards.
The King, Amalia's father decrees that she is to be raised completely chaste. If you so much as mention anything about reproductive activities to her, you could be punished. He succeeds, and at 18 the King and Queen are looking for a suitable Prince to marry her. Unfortunately, the Princess isn't getting enough sleep because there is a lump in her mattress that keeps poking her at night, that soon manifests as a rather large and all too familiar portion of male anatomy. She has no idea what it is, but the King is beside himself trying to get rid of this phantom phallus before her suitor arrives or before she is compromised, without telling her what it is. Meanwhile she is learning that cuddling or stroking this bedmate can elicit interesting results...
The double and triple entendres are really funny. But it also goes to show that no matter how much you insulate someone from the real world, they will eventually find out about the birds and bees on their own - so you are better off educating them. What is amazing is how tastefully written this story is, given the subject matter. Not lewd or crude at all, but really amusing. Worth the 5-10 minutes it takes to read."

And others not being too keen on it. "A childish and ridiculous read...and the first book I have ever deleted from my Kindle. The only redeeming feature of this book was the fact that it was a FREE Kindle download. I only clicked one star because I was unable to submit this review had I not done so."

I got it for free too and I didn't mind it. I have to admit though that I have a rather warped sense of humor and with it being free, I am not going to complain. I also have a pet peeve of people complaining about a book because it's free.

Anyway, that's enough silliness for one day don't you think? Have you read any books or come across any books that just boggle the mind? Let me know.

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